to my cat, carl

Carl,

You are trying to get my attention to let you in.

I am ignoring you.

Last week I was surfing the web for cat sanctuaries.

I want to get rid of you.

I tell people that I want to wrap a steak around

your neck and send you out into the woods at night.

You pee in our house when Tugger upsets you,

when your water bowl isn't full or your litter box is dirty.

The chair I am sitting on is clawed to bits.

I can't have a rug in my dining room.

When people come I fear that they will catch a whiff of your presence.

You are my fault.

I am the one who brought you here.

When I get uspet about you I feel ridiculous.

I thought Pam was lonely.

She probably would have been fine without you.

We all would have been fine without you.

But you are really happy here.

When we let you in after a night outside you tell us about your adventures.

When we see you, we tell you how much we hate you.

It always makes us laugh.

A shelter will most likely kill you.

Another family would not work either.

Oh Carl, we will keep you until tomorrow.

Perhaps a nice cat shelter outside this winter will suit you.